Projection

The story is told of the writer G.K. Chesterton who, after the Times newspaper had invited several authors to write essays on the theme “What’s Wrong With The World?”, responded with the shortest of replies: “Dear Sirs. I am. Sincerely yours. G.K. Chesterton.” It was both an amusing and deeply challenging comment. In a world in which it is common practice to speak about what is wrong with everyone else, Chesterton offered a refreshing and healing alternative, showing by example the power of looking within and facing the darkness we find there. Unfortunately, most of us prefer to ignore Chesterton’s wisdom and deal with our struggles a different way.

We have become highly skilled at analysing the world and its problems, and pointing out the reasons and causes for “the mess we’re in”. When our relationships break down it’s because the other person is inflexible or selfish and does not understand us. When things go wrong with our work life or our finances, it’s because we are not appreciated as we should be, or the world is against us. When our bodies break down, it is because others expect too much of us, or our doctors don’t know what they’re talking about. I recognise that there are genuine cases where relationship breakdowns are caused by a single, unloving partner, where people get into financial and employment difficulties through no fault of their own, and where sickness attacks us no matter how hard we have tried to be healthy. Yet it continues to fascinate me that some people will face the worst that life has to offer with an attitude of joy and courage, while others, who have little reason to complain, find every excuse under the sun to project the blame for their problems elsewhere.

In December of last year the Telegraph newspaper of the United Kingdom published a report that a mother of two from California was suing the fast food chain, McDonald’s, for using toys to sell their Happy Meals to children. Her complaint is essentially that the company is making it harder for her to say no to her children’s requests for unhealthy food. Seriously?

Yet, before I get too self-righteous, let me acknowledge that I often find it far easier to blame others than to take responsibility for my own struggles. It is much easier to look outward and criticise than it is to look inward and seek to change. This is why psychologists have long spoken about the human practice of “projection” – seeing and condemning in others what we don’t want to acknowledge in ourselves. Projection will never bring us wholeness. All it offers is destruction and despair. When we insist on projecting our darkness onto others, we discover our relationships breaking down, our lives getting out of control, and our health failing. This is not the pathway to life.

But, Christian tradition, long aware of the capacity of women and men for self-deception, has offered an alternative way to deal with our darkness. Rather than projecting it outward on to others, we are invited to face it, own it, and confess it. As the Apostle John wrote in his letter, “If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.” (1 John 1:8-9 NLT).

So, we are faced with a choice. Are we willing to do the painful and healing work of confession in order to find life? Or would we rather choose to deceive ourselves, and go on blaming the world for our unhappiness? The invitation of our worship is to choose confession and the life it brings. If we can find the courage and integrity to embrace this offer, we’ll discover that the freedom and grace we enjoy as a result makes every painful admission so very worth it.
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John van de Laar is a Methodist minister, liturgical consultant and the author of the book Food for the Road – Life Lesson from the Lord’s Table. He holds a Master’s Degree in theology from UNISA, and is the founder of Sacredise.com, an international worship training and resourcing ministry. John is married to Debbie, and they have two sons.

Visit www.sacredise.com for more articles by John, as well as resources for personal and public worship – music, prayers, liturgies, images and drama scripts.

Warts & all

In the time of Oliver Cromwell in Britain, it was customary for noble people to be painted by portrait artists. Much like today’s obsession with airbrushing and “Photoshopping” images of celebrities and models, the painters would ignore any ‘blemishes’ in their subjects and paint them as they would look were those blemishes removed. Apparently, when Cromwell was sitting for his portrait, the artist began to paint him as he usually would, but then Cromwell, who was not the most beautiful person to have graced the planet, instructed the painter to paint him “warts and all”. The story goes that he insisted that every blemish be included in the painting or he would refuse to pay the artist for his work.

It still amazes me that when we gather for worship we so easily believe that we can present ourselves to God as an “airbrushed” version of ourselves. We may dress in special clothes, sanitise our language, and hide our fears and angers behind smiles and light banter, but we know the truth that lurks inside of us. It’s telling that these broken parts of ourselves, that bring us so much pain and rob us of so much life, are known as “skeletons in our cupboards”. As long as we pretend that we’re ok, as long as we hide our worst selves behind the façade of religious observance or pseudo-goodness, we remain broken and we find ourselves living a double life – saying, singing and praying one thing on Sunday and living a contradiction through the week. Such an existence is brings us neither healing nor true intimacy with God.

If we genuinely seek to live life to the full, and if we recognise that deep relationship with God is the key to this life, we cannot continue in this deception. Rather, we will find that we need to lay down our hypocrisy and become ruthlessly honest with ourselves, with others and with God. It is only when we are ready to face and deal with the truth about ourselves that we can embrace life in all its complexity and creativity and beauty and abundance. And this is why one of the most important – albeit difficult – disciplines in Christian worship is the practice of confession.

While in some churches confession has been formalised and ritualised, offering a safe and ongoing way to confront ourselves and the truth about our lives, it does not necessarily require this. In fact, each time we gather for worship we are (or should be) offered a chance to do this work. I have already written about how an encounter with God inevitably leads us to an honest encounter with ourselves. This is actually true of any genuine experience of intimacy, whether it’s with God or another human being. It is only as we allow others to get really close to us that they can reflect back to us the things in us that need to change – which may be why so many of us avoid intimacy at all costs. If however, we are courageous enough to take the risk of letting our true selves show – especially with God – we discover an amazing, healing, truth. We find that we are loved, appreciated and accepted – warts and all!

So, next time you are invited to spend time in confession try to resist the urge to run or to disengage until it’s over. Rather, seek to be honest with God about yourself – the good and the bad – and allow God’s grace to heal and change you. You’ll be so glad you did.
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John van de Laar is a Methodist minister, liturgical consultant and the author of the book Food for the Road – Life Lesson from the Lord’s Table. He holds a Master’s Degree in theology from UNISA, and is the founder of Sacredise.com, an international worship training and resourcing ministry. John is married to Debbie, and they have two sons.

Visit www.sacredise.com for more articles by John, as well as resources for personal and public worship – music, prayers, liturgies, images and drama scripts.

The Hardest Word

Elton John, in his inimitable way, expressed a truth that so many of us live every day. Perhaps that’s why this song was hit:

"It’s sad, so sad.
Always seems to me that sorry seems to be
The hardest word."
(Elton John, Bernie Taupin, Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word, © 1976 Big Pig Music/Universal Music Publishing Limited.)

What is it that makes saying sorry so difficult? Perhaps it has something to do with the way we’re taught, with the way the world works, and with the expectations that we learn to navigate from our earliest years. In school, we get rewarded for getting the answer right, but we are ‘failed’ or even punished for making mistakes. I’m not trying to criticise the education system – it would take a more qualified person than me to come up with alternative strategies for assessment of learning – but we can’t avoid the reality that we are trained to avoid mistakes at all costs.

When it comes to the world of human relationships, the cycle continues. Those who are ‘right’ exercise power, and those who are ‘wrong’ are shunned. In every field we look up to experts, and expect them to work hard to maintain accuracy and truth. Let our leaders fail us, though, and we are quick to pick through their mistakes with fine scrutiny, courtesy of the media. Even in something as small as a vehicle accident we are instructed to never admit fault, because it can affect the outcome of our insurance claims.

Most of us strive to be good people, to do things right, and to treat our loved ones well. To say sorry means admitting that we may have failed at this quest, that we may have caused pain to another, and that we are not as good as we would like to believe. So, all too often, we simply avoid using the word. If we don’t day sorry, our illusion of ‘goodness’ and ‘rightness’ remains intact. But, if we confess, we have to acknowledge that we need to change.

This is why we need the practice of confession that worship offers. As long as we deny our weaknesses, our failures, our sinfulness and our tendency toward destructiveness, we can never be healed and we can never overcome the things that destroy us. But, if we will learn to face our own darkness, to look ourselves squarely in the eye and admit that we have done wrong, we take the first step toward wholeness. Even better, if we can develop a habit of apologising quickly, and seeking to make things right as fast and thoroughly as we can, we find ourselves living with integrity, trust and honesty, and our relationships with ourselves and others are deepened and protected.

That’s why we are invited, every week as we gather for worship, to acknowledge our brokenness. As we gaze on God’s glory and wholeness, we are challenged to see where we fall short of God’s loving ideal. Then, if we are courageous enough to follow through, we are enabled to express our grief, regret and sorrow for what we have done. Once we have faced our worst selves, we are then able to do the work – empowered by God’s grace and God’s Spirit – of making things right, and of changing to become more whole.

Elton John may be right – sorry may well be the hardest word. But, if we can learn to make it part of our vocabulary, it can become one of the most powerful words of healing we will ever speak.
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John van de Laar is a Methodist minister, liturgical consultant and the author of the book Food for the Road – Life Lesson from the Lord’s Table. He holds a Master’s Degree in theology from UNISA, and is the founder of Sacredise.com, an international worship training and resourcing ministry. John is married to Debbie, and they have two sons.

Visit www.sacredise.com for more articles by John, as well as resources for personal and public worship – music, prayers, liturgies, images and drama scripts.

Tall poppy syndrome

Have you ever heard of “tall poppy syndrome”? This is a pattern of behaviour that has been observed in many different groups and cultures where people who stand out from the crowd because of exceptional skill or ability (the “tall poppies”) get “cut down to size” by their peers. It’s the tendency in human beings to criticise or sabotage those who are more successful than the norm or those who are able to achieve beyond the average. In some cultures it is even considered offensive to stand out. The individual must always remain blended in with those around him or her, and each one must do only what their designated role requires.

It may sound strange to speak of such a phenomenon in this world that is so influenced by the values of meritocracy, in which people are advanced and receive rewards according to their perceived merits or value. But, the truth is that almost all of us fall prey to “tall poppy syndrome”. It is all too easy to avoid the hard work of examining ourselves by shifting blame on to others. In Germany prior to the holocaust, the plight of struggling Germans was often blamed on Jews, who were perceived to be more successful at the expense of their non-Jewish neighbours. In South Africa during the apartheid years some white people sought to blame their economic or political difficulties on black people. I was amazed to read in Time Magazine this week that some economists in the United States are blaming America’s struggle to recuperate after the repression on China. It is much easier to blame others for the struggles we face than to look at ourselves and confront the brokenness and sin within us that may be contributing to or causing our problems.

Over the last few weeks I have been exploring the practice of praise and the impact it can have on our lives. Most of my comments have focussed on some very pleasing benefits that we can enjoy – because of God’s grace – when we offer adoration to God. There is another task of praise, though, that is less pleasant, but perhaps far more important, than any of the others I’ve written about. And it, inevitably leads us into another significant worship practice.

When we praise God, we are given a vision of God in all of God’s glory and holiness, God’s beauty and grace. In the light of this, we cannot help but become aware of those places in our lives where we lack glory and grace, where are less than beautiful in attitude and action, and where we fall short of our own standards of integrity and goodness, let alone God’s. Praise, when it is practiced mindfully and whole heartedly will inevitably lead us into an examination of our true selves, and we will find ourselves confronting the things in us that need to change – the pain, the pride, the selfishness, the laziness, the destructiveness, and all the other attitudes and actions that hurt us and others.

While we may prefer not to do this it is actually an amazing gift of grace, for it is only when we see ourselves truly – warts and all – that we are able to do the work that makes us more whole. If we continue to blame our brokenness on others, we will never be healed, but if we can face the truth about ourselves and open ourselves to God’s healing, we are able to rise above our worst tendencies. And this is where praise leads us into the work of confession – the honest, vulnerable acknowledgement of those parts of ourselves that need transformation, forgiveness and healing.

So, how much do you practice “tall poppy syndrome” and how is that working for you? If you would rather be free of the blame game, and begin to find wholeness and life, perhaps it’s time to allow praise to show you your true, broken self, and then begin to embrace the healing practice of confession. You can even start now.
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John van de Laar is a Methodist minister, liturgical consultant and the author of the book Food for the Road – Life Lesson from the Lord’s Table. He holds a Master’s Degree in theology from UNISA, and is the founder of Sacredise.com, an international worship training and resourcing ministry. John is married to Debbie, and they have two sons.

Visit www.sacredise.com for more articles by John, as well as resources for personal and public worship – music, prayers, liturgies, images and drama scripts.

Wonder

“I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it." (Mark 10:15)

One of the things I miss about having little children is the constant wide-eyed wonder with which they journey through the world. Everything is new, everything is amazing and everything is mysterious. If there were a single word that most adults would do well to relearn from their childhood it’s probably “Wow”.

But somehow, as the years move on, as we learn more about how the world works, as we get hurt and tired and each day becomes a stumble through the routines that keep us alive, we grow cynical. It’s common to hear adults mock the optimism and possibilities of youth. It feels rare to find a grown up who still really believes in anything meaningful in a way that actually affects how they live. It’s like skepticism, pessimism and despair have come to be seen as the marks of someone who is really in touch with reality. If we have really become adults, if we really function properly in society, then we should always be suspicious, always be disillusioned.

In the words of Jesus we find a different way of living. Jesus recognised that when we lose our sense of wonder, when we stop being awed by the world, we lose an important part of what it means to be human and to be fully alive. When we can no longer appreciate beauty, joy, creativity, mystery, newness, and playfulness, our lives are little more than existence. We are no longer truly living.

If there is any spiritual practice that can reawaken wonder and inspire our sense of possibility again, it is the act of praise. As we gather for worship, and we make the choice to focus on God’s glory, beauty, grace, compassion, majesty and love, we are changed by the vision of God we receive. As we express our praise, we are drawn into a new awareness of all that there is around us and within us to adore. We begin to learn to see God’s presence and extravagant creativity not just in church, but in every moment and every place. We discover that there is so much to be surprised by, there is so much to be moved by, there is so much that can stop us in our tracks and leave us breathless with wonder and amazement. And we discover how inspiring and energising it is to recognise and really notice the glory in our lives and our world, and to express our awe in words and actions of praise.

If your heart is becoming heavy, if your spirit is becoming dry, then there is no better remedy than to turn to God in praise and allow God’s Spirit to open your eyes and your soul to the luminous Presence of God, the glowing beauty of creativity, and the life-giving attitude of wonder that is your natural, human state. And once you have opened the doors, you will discover that there is reason to praise in every situation and every moment in which you find yourself.
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John van de Laar is a Methodist minister, liturgical consultant and the author of the book Food for the Road – Life Lesson from the Lord’s Table. He holds a Master’s Degree in theology from UNISA, and is the founder of Sacredise.com, an international worship training and resourcing ministry. John is married to Debbie, and they have two sons.

Visit www.sacredise.com for more articles by John, as well as resources for personal and public worship – music, prayers, liturgies, images and drama scripts.