Elton John, in his inimitable way, expressed a truth that so many of us live every day. Perhaps that’s why this song was hit:
"It’s sad, so sad.
Always seems to me that sorry seems to be
The hardest word."
(Elton John, Bernie Taupin, Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word, © 1976 Big Pig Music/Universal Music Publishing Limited.)
What is it that makes saying sorry so difficult? Perhaps it has something to do with the way we’re taught, with the way the world works, and with the expectations that we learn to navigate from our earliest years. In school, we get rewarded for getting the answer right, but we are ‘failed’ or even punished for making mistakes. I’m not trying to criticise the education system – it would take a more qualified person than me to come up with alternative strategies for assessment of learning – but we can’t avoid the reality that we are trained to avoid mistakes at all costs.
When it comes to the world of human relationships, the cycle continues. Those who are ‘right’ exercise power, and those who are ‘wrong’ are shunned. In every field we look up to experts, and expect them to work hard to maintain accuracy and truth. Let our leaders fail us, though, and we are quick to pick through their mistakes with fine scrutiny, courtesy of the media. Even in something as small as a vehicle accident we are instructed to never admit fault, because it can affect the outcome of our insurance claims.
Most of us strive to be good people, to do things right, and to treat our loved ones well. To say sorry means admitting that we may have failed at this quest, that we may have caused pain to another, and that we are not as good as we would like to believe. So, all too often, we simply avoid using the word. If we don’t day sorry, our illusion of ‘goodness’ and ‘rightness’ remains intact. But, if we confess, we have to acknowledge that we need to change.
This is why we need the practice of confession that worship offers. As long as we deny our weaknesses, our failures, our sinfulness and our tendency toward destructiveness, we can never be healed and we can never overcome the things that destroy us. But, if we will learn to face our own darkness, to look ourselves squarely in the eye and admit that we have done wrong, we take the first step toward wholeness. Even better, if we can develop a habit of apologising quickly, and seeking to make things right as fast and thoroughly as we can, we find ourselves living with integrity, trust and honesty, and our relationships with ourselves and others are deepened and protected.
That’s why we are invited, every week as we gather for worship, to acknowledge our brokenness. As we gaze on God’s glory and wholeness, we are challenged to see where we fall short of God’s loving ideal. Then, if we are courageous enough to follow through, we are enabled to express our grief, regret and sorrow for what we have done. Once we have faced our worst selves, we are then able to do the work – empowered by God’s grace and God’s Spirit – of making things right, and of changing to become more whole.
Elton John may be right – sorry may well be the hardest word. But, if we can learn to make it part of our vocabulary, it can become one of the most powerful words of healing we will ever speak.
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John van de Laar is a Methodist minister, liturgical consultant and the author of the book Food for the Road – Life Lesson from the Lord’s Table. He holds a Master’s Degree in theology from UNISA, and is the founder of Sacredise.com, an international worship training and resourcing ministry. John is married to Debbie, and they have two sons.
Visit www.sacredise.com for more articles by John, as well as resources for personal and public worship – music, prayers, liturgies, images and drama scripts.